


Five Steps

by PennPayper



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1972887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennPayper/pseuds/PennPayper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gail goes through the five stages of grief after breaking up with Holly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Denial And Isolation

Gail felt Holly’s presence one moment before the smiling doctor stepped into The Penny. Most of the officers from 15 Division were at the bar for an after-hours celebration. Everyone was pumped after arresting a serial burglar who had been targeting senior citizens. The effort had taken them nearly a month. 

Gail usually went home after work, preferring to be by herself. The place was quiet and dark. Since her breakup with Holly, Gail’s mood fit the silence of the night. But tonight, her friend had talked her into joining the late night fun. Ultimately, Gail submitted because she did not want to hear them lamenting about her aloofness yet again. But as she watch Holly take her seat and grab the hand of the woman sitting with her, Gail wished she had went with her first course of action.

 “Your friends really know how to have fun.”

The deep voice startled Gail out of her thoughts. She looked at the lieutenant sitting in front of her. He smiled sweetly but his smile did not hold her attention. Gail’s gaze fell once again steps behind him onto Holly. She looked different since the last time they had been in a room together. That was the day Holly had told her she had moved on and was seeing someone else.  It was a day Gail could not forget but never wanted to relive.

Gail watched Holly taking note of each change. She recognized it was a borderline crazy, even slightly stalkerish, move.  But she did not look away. Since their breakup, Gail had kept her distance. Some would call it avoiding. And by some Gail meant most of her friends and her brother. Steve, in his protective way, had tried to push Gail to try again with Holly. Pecks did not run away from a challenge he would say. Gail answered back Pecks also did not stick around where they were not wanted. And Holly had made it clear after Gail had insulted her and her friends then walked out on them that she was no longer wanted.

Anyway, Gail knew what she was doing. She was not avoiding Holly she reminded herself. She was accepting that Holly had moved on. She accepted it even though the thought still caused Gail some physical pain in her chest. She promised herself it would eventually go away. It's not like their relationship ran deep. Hell, when she thought about it she realized they had barely spent time together.

Gail hurt but she could tell Holly was doing just fine. And why wouldn’t she? Gail’s entire life changed after meeting Holly but she could not think of one significant change she had made to Holly’s life. She did not need the reminder of seeing the perky forensic pathologist to know she had lost her. Seeing her now brought mixed emotions. Gail scanned Holly’s face as Holly leaned into the conversation she was having and the beat cop’s heart skipped a beat. Then old memories flooded her mind including their last goodbye and the lightness of her heart dissipated.

Gail would have gladly stayed inside her own thoughts but Holly’s guest looked away and Holly suddenly turned around. She did not scan the room. Her eyes fixed immediately on Gail. In that moment, Gail knew Holly felt the same connection she had when Holly had walked through the door. If her look did not confirm it for Gail, the smirk Holly wore did. In it, Gail saw Holly's twisted joy of the awkward circumstance. She also saw a sadness that could not be ignored or hidden and a longing for more.  But Gail could not tell if it was Holly or if she was simply reflecting her own emotions onto her. Ugh! This was why Gail hated emotions.

 Before Gail could turn away, she felt a finger press the side of her chin and lead her away from Holly. Where she was once staring into warm brown eyes, she instead found light hazel eyes questioning her.

 “I’m starting to think I can’t hold your attention,” the owner of those eyes said softly. “That makes me sad and intrigued.”

 Lt. Brian Crowley was just visiting Fifteen. It was because of his help they had been able to solve the Blue-haired Burglar case so quickly. Still, his cheesy grin irritated Gail.

 “Do you always put your finger on the faces of strangers?” Gail asked in her perfected dead tone. “Or should I feel special?”

 Brian leaned back, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “Gail, I’d hardly call you a stranger. We’ve worked together for weeks.”

 “That’s good to know then.” Gail took a sip of her drink, gave him quick nod and a chilled look. “So you only lay your hands on minor acquaintances then?”

Brian frowned as he sipped out of his own glass. Gail could tell he was wondering what had he gotten himself into by asking her to share a drink. She was thinking the same and not for the first time tonight.


	2. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gail leaves The Penny but not before running into Holly.

Nearly an hour into the night, Gail sat at the bar waiting to pay out her tab. There was no way she was going to let Brian do it. After spending time with him, she could tell he was the kind of man that would pay out her bar tab then definitely expect her to repay him in return. She was already asking him for a ride home. She did not need him to start a bed tab on her. Gail thought about asking one of her roommates for a ride instead but they were all having so much fun. She hated the thought of ruining that. Plus they would want to babysit her and Gail Peck will not be babysat. 

The aspect of the rest of the night took some of the energy out of Gail. The day had been a long one and the night was turning into the same. She was so tired she nearly missed the familiar scent that drifted pass her and settled to her side.

 “It looks like someone needs a comfy chair and a fluffy pillow at her back.”  

 Gail refused to look Holly’s way. She knew what she was doing. She was just trying to be friendly. But Gail resisted. She was scared Holly would see the smile she was trying to hold back. It felt good to hear her voice. It felt physically good. Gail was surprised how one person’s voice could change the atmosphere of the night for her. She had to remind herself that she was not ready to be on friendly terms with Holly, especially when Holly leaned against the bar, a grin plastered on her face.

“I see you're sharing your sour apple expression with the world.” She studied Gail, slowly looking her up and down. “Hello grumpy pants.”

“Did you just call me grumpy pants?” Gail asked with a frown.

“I did.” Holly said with a well-executed nod. “And I liked it.”

Gail shook her head. She would not give in to the desire to smile. If she smiled she would be opening a door and she was not sure she could handle it being closed back in her face.

“You’re like a prisoner eyeing the door for escape, Gail.” Holly’s grin grew. “That’s it. You put the cell in celebration.”

 “Holly,” Gail massaged her forehead. “Just don’t.”

 “Come on. That was good. Not my best. But it was still pretty good.” The bartender set two drinks in front of Holly. She thanks him and paid for them. Gail looked at the drinks and felt her frown spread.

 “I guess you’re not leaving?"

 “No.” Holly confirmed. "But it looks like you are."

 The bartender handed Gail her receipt, which did not go unnoticed by Holly.

“You even have someone waiting for you.” Holly nodded toward Brian who stood by the door watching their conversation.

 “Oh joy.” Gail grimaced.

“I’m happy for you.” Holly said as she cradled the drinks. Gail did not know how to take this version of Holly. The one who talked like she walked on clouds and the world was her oyster or any other of the clichés that ultimately meant someone was overly joyous. She was not ready for the Holly who crapped rainbows and forced them on the world. She turned hoping to convey emotional distance. Holly did not take the hint.

“That officer is really eyeing us now. He is definitely interested. It's good," Holly said her tone overly chipper. "It’s good to see we have both moved on from our little phase.”

“Excuse me?” Gail heard what Holly had said but she did not actually believe her ears. She eyed Holly from over her shoulder and noticed Holly would not meet her eyes.  

 “Care to clarify, Holly?”

 “You know what I mean. Phases… Everyone goes through them. Lisa says you were my blue collar phase.”  Holly nodded towards the table where sat her date. “Rebecca is in acquisitions. I know it sounds like something a drug dealer would say. But apparently it’s a legal profession and very profitable… if you care at all about being profitable.  Actually who really can judge--”

“Holly, stop.” Gail interrupted her rambling. It had to be rambling. Gail did not think for a moment Holly believed a word of what she was saying.

“And look at you,” Holly’s voice broke a bit. She tried to cover it by taking a quick sip of one of the drinks she held. Gail saw the small crack form in her chipper tone but said nothing.

“You seem happier. You’ve gone back to dating guys. And that one is pretty much a guy’s guy.” Holly scowled at Brian for a moment before turning back to Gail with her smirk solidly in place.

“He’s all broad shoulders and big hands… super clown feet. Did he just jump off of a horse? He stands like he did. You may have found the last of the Canadian cowboys. Why are his feet so far apart? I guess it can’t be that bad. You know what they say about clown feet.”

“Holly…” Gail acted before her thoughts could stop her. She placed her hands on the rambling doctor’s cheeks, cupping them in a gentle caress.

It was a simple move that Gail made often. Holly tended to blather on and Gail found watching the rapid movement of Holly’s lips just made her think of better activities for them. She found she could stop Holly’s tidal wave of words with a simple caress that usually ended in a kiss. She had done it so often it had become as natural as greeting a loved one with a hug. But that was before everything ended.

Still, as she gazed into Holly’s eyes Gail saw a small spark of hope enter them and felt the need to reconnect with Holly overwhelm her.  Gail took in everything that she had been missing since their break up. She inhaled Holly’s fragrance, a scent that arouse her and energized her. She let the warmth of her skin comfort her. Before she realized it, a feeling of loneliness overtook her and she released Holly. 

Holly was not hers to hold anymore. She was not hers to calm down. And despite Holly licking her lips in invitation, she was not Gail’s to kiss anymore.

Gail stepped back, looking for space to reset the emotional wall she had quickly put in place after the break up. Maybe Holly’s friends were right. Maybe they were too different. Gail knew her life had changed for the good because of Holly but Gail wondered if the same could be said about her in Holly’s life.

 Gail signed her receipt and quickly pocketed her copy. It was pass time to make her exit.

“I’m sorry, Holly,” Gail said with more regret than her caress required. “I’m sorry for manhandling you.”

 “Manhandling is a strong word.” Holly muttered. “Not to mention inaccurate.” She sighed as she watched Gail grab her purse.

“Gail, I miss you being happy. I just want you to be happy.” She once again gave her a bland smile. “With whoever.”

Gail did not know if it was the words or the thought of Holly moving on and wanting her to do the same that angered her. The anger came too quick to rationalize. Raw emotion was rare for her. So rare that Holly would have noticed it immediately only she was looking away.

She tapped on Holly’s shoulder. When she turned, Gail easily slipped one of the drinks from Holly’s hand.  In one flip of her wrist, she downed the drink and handed the empty glass back to her.

“You have new glasses.” It was a simple statement, one that took Holly off guard.

“I know. That’s not really important, your new glasses. Only you’ve also cut your hair. You’ve taken off about an inch. I’m assuming it was part of a makeover because I’ve never seen that outfit in your closet. It’s nice. I’m not sure if I want to admire you in it or ask to borrow it.”

Gail took out a twenty-dollar bill from her purse and placed it on the counter. She waved for the bartender.

 “Why am I saying all of this? I’ll tell you why, Holly. Because you moved on. Not me. You. You got your new glasses… your new hair… your new outfit… your new girlfriend. If our relationship was a phase, it was your phase. Not mine. You want my happiness? Why? You want to be friends?!” Gail sighed suddenly more tired than she had felt earlier. More tired than she had felt in her entire life.

“I don’t know how to let people in. And because of that, I make mistakes. I made a big mistake with you.” Gail steeled herself as she took the empty glass from Holly.

“But you moved on, Holly. You with your new glasses.”

Gail handed the empty glass to the bartender along with the twenty-dollar bill. She wanted to leave without looking at Holly one last time. But she could not deny herself.  She looked and immediately regretted it. How could she not when the last vision she thought she’d see of Holly would be of her ex with tears forming in her eyes? Gail had been harsh. But harsh was who she was without Holly. She added that to the reasons Holly’s friends might have been right about her.

 “Goodnight, Holly.” She allowed herself to lean into Holly for a moment but before Holly could respond, Gail stepped back. She quickly walked to Brian and walked out of The Penny. Gail saw the questions in Brian’s eyes but ignored them. She did not want to talk. She wanted to get the hell out of there.

 She felt the finality in her goodbye. The pain in her chest was back three-folds. She climbed into Brian’s truck and wanted to cry. She promised herself she would when she was alone. She would cry and eat fatty things. Oh, and she would empty every liquor bottle that was unlucky enough to land near her.

 Holly had moved on. She had made it clear. In return, Gail had snapped at her and pushed her away. Its not that she did not want Holly to be happy. She just did not want to see it when it was with someone else. She could admit that to herself.

The ride back to Gail’s home was quiet with Brian stealing a look or two as he drove. Finally he parked in front of her building but stopped her before she could get out.

“The girl in the bar…”

“I will not be speaking about the girl in the bar.” Gail answered with a finality dripping from each word.

“You know what, Gail.” Brian groaned in frustration. “You’re beautiful. I mean it. You’re hot on the outside.”

“Let me guess,” Gail interrupted him. “But I’m cold on the inside.”

Her head tilted with the expectation of a lame argument creeping in.

“No," Brian said quietly. "You’re closed off. I’d say you have the emotional accessibility of a blowup doll but even a blowup doll has some accessibility.”

“Oh, how nice.” Gail let the sarcasm keep her from caring. “You know what, Brian. You’re not the first person to tell me I’m cold. And you won’t be the last. This however is the last time I will care what you think about my personal life.”

“Good. Then let me say this while it counts." Brian's face went firm. His expression for the first time tonight showed his years as a veteran police officer. 

"Whoever that girl was... the one who shall go unspoken about... you were idiot to leave her tonight. You know you usually give off the warmth of a broken freezer. But tonight, you radiated with her. I watched. You actually radiated.”

Gail hopped out of the truck, escaping the conversation the best she could.

“Too much radiation kills, Brian.”

“So does the cold, Gail.” And with that, Brian bid farewell and drove off into the night.

Gail scoffed at Brian’s so-called concern for her emotional wellbeing. He was just upset she was not insecure enough to sleep with him. Still she could not make herself move from that spot. Did she really radiate with Holly? Despite her trying to keep her emotions in control? Then how did they look when their emotions were opening on display?

The question haunted Gail as she went inside and got ready for bed. She could picture Holly climbing into her own bed, curling up next to Miss Acquisition. The thought made Gail sit up and grab her phone. Maybe what she needed was a sign, a simple sign to tell her if she should fight or stay away. She thought about calling Holly but immediately dismissed the idea when she thought of her tears. If a sign were coming her way it would not come tonight. Or maybe it had. She thought about the pain she had inflicted tonight. Maybe that was the sign to back off.

Gail sighed as she placed her phone back on her nightstand. It vibrated startling her. She carefully picked it up, wondering who could be reaching out at this time of night. She thought about her friends still at the bar. Maybe one of them needed help.

She pressed the home button and watched the screen light up. It was a text message. Gail opened it and for the first the entire night she truly smiled.

The text read: “So tell me. How do you really feel of my new glasses?”

She put down the phone and leaned back into bed. She did not know what the short text message meant. But for some unknown reason, it allowed her to sleep peacefully that night.


	3. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gail meets with an unexpected ally.

Gail was not a fan of early rising. Yes, she knew that meant she would never get the early worm, take a walk in the morning dew or marvel at the sunrise. And she was absolutely fine with it. Sleep was more important to her. Yet here she was two hours before her shift began, holding a cup coffee and hoping this small corner shop's donuts were fresh. Since she had made the sacrifice to get up, life could at least repay her with warm, freshly fried goodness. Is that too much to ask for?

Gail still had a hard time believing she had actually agreed to a meeting with the last person she wanted to see right now. She guessed she must have been in a fragile state when she had said yes to the the meeting. Ever since her last run-in with Holly Gail had been, as Steve called it, in a perpetual state of bitchiness. Yesterday he had called her a six on the B.M.I., which stood for the bitchy mood index. Steve normally asked her to keep it at a steady three.

But what did he expect? Seeing that Holly had obviously moved on had shaken Gail. A shaky Gail can be a mean Gail, something she readily admitted to herself. She sometimes wished she could change that. But who was she kidding? There was no changing. It's why she had lost Holly. So why again was she sitting on a corner, holding a rapidly cooling cup of coffee and reliving bad memories so early in the morning? 

Gail heard the "Sorry I'm late," before she saw the woman rushing to her side. Her blood boiled a bit when she did see her. She did not expect some of the fury inside her to bubble up so soon. But their last meeting was still fresh on her mind. Holly's friend, Lisa, took off her jacket and laid it on the back of her chair before taking a seat beside Gail.

"Traffic was a beast." She said with a smile. Gail took in the other woman's appearance, the wrinkled scrubs she was wearing and the tired look in her eyes. Gail remembered Holly saying she was a plastics resident. Residency could be hard work and long hours. Funny how knowing that Gail still felt no pity and little patience for the woman.

"Thank you for meeting with me."

"Thank you for paying for the two cups of coffee and the dozen donuts I just ordered." Gail returned. Her voice remained flat. Her expression lacked emotion. She was sure Lisa could not tell if she was serious or joking. She noted the surprise on Lisa's face and when that surprise quickly settled into resolve.

"I am sure you are wondering why I called you."

"I'm actually wondering why I returned your call. When I heard the message left on the station's voicemail, it caught me off guard." Gail picked up the menu on the table and perused. "At first I thought I was a glutton for punishment seeing how I was treated the first time we met. Then I thought about the free donuts and realized I'm just a glutton." Gail gave Lisa a thin smile.

Lisa sighed.

"I suppose you think I should apologize for my earlier treatment of you?"

"Well, not if you suppose." Gail said sarcastically.

"Good. Cause I have no plans on apologizing."

Gail looked up at Lisa with eyebrows firmly raised along with her temper. Lisa grabbed a white paper napkin from the table and waved it in the air. 

"No need for the I declared war face. Let me explain." 

Lisa stopped as the server approached and ordered a heavily caffeine and extremely fancy drink. Gail did not take note because she had no doubt that she would never need to know how Lisa liked her coffee concoctions. When the server turned to her Gail informed him that she had already put in her order. The server walked away and Lisa returned to the topic at hand.

"I'm sure Holly told you we are best friends."

"Yes. I got the memo."

"Well, we are more then that." Gail sat up out of her chair. Her stomach started to sink. Could this woman be a jealous ex? If she was what does it say about Holly that this judgmental shrew was not just a college friend but someone she had once been interested in? Gail eyed Lisa and realized she was still talking, much to Gail's disappointment.

"And since we feel like each other's family, we have taken to taking care of each other. "

"Wait." Gail interrupted. " What did you say about family?"

"Rachel, Holly and I are more than best friends. We are like family."

Gail sat back, relieved. "Holly shared that with me as well."

"Then you can understand why we are protective of Holly." Lisa suddenly went quiet and looked away from Gail. She grabbed a napkin from the table and begin to play with it, rolling and unrolling it between her fingers. She seemed to be working out something in her mind. Gail waited, slowly losing patience. It was a virtue that had never been her virtue. After a moment, Lisa tossed down the destroyed napkin and sighed.

"I am just going to lay it out here,Gail. Rachel and I love Holly like a sister but Holly has always been a... goes with the whim kind of woman."

"Excuse me?" Gail frowned in confusion. Lisa looked as if she struggled to find the words. 

"She jumps into relationships quickly, often bruising her head and her heart."

Gail nodded, understanding the message.

"You thought I was a drive thru."

"Exactly." Lisa smiled and nodded back. "And to be fair you two had not known each other long but you two seemed to get serious rather quickly."

"I'm a cop. I can quickly tell when someone is as awesome as Holly." Gail stated simply. 

Lisa's smile grew. "Be that as it may, Holly sometimes need an angel and a devil on her shoulder to make her see her relationship reality. Rachel is the angel and I am--"

"The bitch." Gail finished.

Lisa laughed nervously. "I was going to say the devil but okay." She cleared her throat and continued.

"Anyway, my methods may be harsh but it weeds out the bad ones quickly. I am not sorry about it. When you left we thought another weed had bit the dust."

"So why did you call?"

Lisa sighed, a sadness overtaking her tone. 

"Holly likes to talk about you. And at first, when we listened all we heard was the whirlwind of another Holly Express speed train relationship. But lately as she tries to explain and comprehend everything we realized how slow she was actually taking things with you. How restrained she's been." Lisa shook her head, seemingly awed by the thought.

"It's not like Holly to go slow. To reminisce about first time holding hands and wistfully speak about movie dates. God, you guys never even had sex!"

Gail looked at Lisa furiously. Just when the lady was gaining some favor. She waited for the judgement of her and Holly's relationship. Lisa blushed.

"Not to say there is anything wrong with that. There isn't. Holly was not unhappy about it. She was only explaining why it wasn't just about the physical with you two. Not to say that physical didn't matter--"

"I get it, Lisa." Gail said sharply. She was staring to see the similarities between Holly and her friend, though Holly was charming when she rambled.

"I still don't see the point in this conversation." Gail appreciated the extra information about Holly but she did not want to digest it with Holly's friend standing by watching her every move. And she did not know what was Lisa's ultimate goal.

"Holly is seeing someone."

"Oh, please." Lisa rolled her eyes dismissively.

"You said it yourself," Gail countered. "Holly moves on quickly."

"That was PG." Lisa stated.

"What does that mean?" 

"That was pre-Gail." Lisa smiled. 

Gail didn't return her smile. Lisa seemed very sure Holly was still very much attached to Gail. If only Gail was as sure.

Both ladies turned as they saw the door to the coffee shop open. The server returned with a small box and two stemming cups in his hand. He was followed by another server carrying three large boxes.

Gail stood and grabbed her jacket. "This is my cue to leave. By the way did I say a dozen donuts? I totally meant three."

Lisa sat slack-jawed. "You ordered three dozen donuts?"

Gail shrugged. "A girl gets hungry." She grabbed the boxes and her second cup of coffee as Lisa chuckled.

"I'm starting to see why it happened so quickly for Holly."

Gail shrugged again and thanked the server. She turned to leave but stalled when she heard Lisa call her name. She looked at Gail with hope.

"Does today change anything for you?"

Gail stood quietly, pondering the question. 

"It depends."

"On what?"

"On how the rest of the day goes." Gail said softly. She wished Lisa a good day then left with an unexpected burst of energy that was unusual for her in the mornings.

–-----------------------

When Gail got to the office she sat the donuts in the common area, grabbed three for herself and began the work of going through the overnight police reports. As much as she tried, she could not keep her mind on the cases before her.

Gail relaxed at her desk and watched as her co-workers devoured the donuts from Lisa. She had replayed their conversation three times so far. She tried to piece together the Holly her friend knew with the one she knew. They did seem to fit. She remembered how laid back Holly had been when they first met, how she always seemed to just go with the flow and live in the moment. Her friends may think her jump in mentality was a problem. But Gail adored that about her.

She smiled. It seems that her Holly had flaws at least according to her friends. Gail thought about it, letting herself get use to the idea that her perfect girlfriend was not perfect. That she was not the only one with issues. The thought just made Holly more real and more desirable to Gail. Who in the hell wanted an angel anyway. It was then she realized that she was still thinking of them as a couple. Her smile disappeared as quickly as most of those donuts. She needed to remember. Holly was no longer hers. 

Gail jumped out of her seat and grabbed the remaining box of donuts. There were still a few left. She ignored her coworkers' groans of disapproval. Only two thoughts existed in her mind. Holly was not hers and she needed to fix that.

\----—----------------------

Gail went directly to the lab when she made it to the morgue. But she could not talk herself into just walking in. The place was like Holly's second home. Gail did not want to intrude. She instead watched Holly from the door of the lab. The forensic pathologist was hard at work trying to identify a corpse. She had not looked away from the body once.

"Gail I know you're there."

Gail froze. She had not expected Holly to notice her until she was ready to be noticed. She still had not worked out what she wanted to say to her. What she needed to say.

She grimaced at being caught. "How did you know I was here?"

"I just... I knew." Holly answered uncomfortably. "You can come in."

Gail shook off her nerves and stepped inside the lab. She slid the box of donuts onto Holly's desk just outside the lab.

"I bring treats," Gail announced with a wirily smile.

Holly smiled back though her focus never left the body before her. "I see."

Gail stood there as Holly continued her work. She waited for the feeling that she was intruding to hit. Holly was paying her no attention and the room was so quiet it was as if Dov had just told a joke. Everything should feel awkward to Gail. Only it didn't. 

She quickly fell in place with the quiet of the room. As Holly worked, Gail roamed. Not much had changed since she was last there. Everything was as it always was, neat and in order. She settled into a corner andturned her attention back to Holly. She noticed the intense doctor had not moved, hovering around the same spot on the dead man. Gail watched her until Holly gave a frustrated groan and put down her instruments.

"What if we started over?" Gail didn't expect the words to leave her mouth but couldn't stop them either. Holly's eyes connected with hers, just as surprised by the statement. Those beautiful eyes quickly grew sad.

"Gail..."

Gail did not like the way Holly said her name. She ignored the silent plea and continued on.

"What if we forgot about the bad stuff? What if I tried not to run away when I got scared? What if--" Gail groaned angrily. "It's not just me Holly."

Holly looked away.

"I know."

Gail did not believe her.

"You didn't stick up for me. I would never have let any of my friends talk about you that way."

Holly's hands tightened on the table in front of her, her only sign of distressed.

"You're right."

"Holly, you called me fun." Gail's voice showed signs of desperation. She just wanted Holly to understand. "You blew me off as fun."

"No." Holly said firmly. "I would never... I just got tired of explaining how we work... why we work."

Gail felt as if she had run out of defenses. Everything left would leave her open. She wanted to tell Gail about her conversation with Lisa. How the conversation helped to understand Holly's point of view. Now she just wanted Holly to do the same. But she knew if she told Holly about Lisa It may take a turn for the worse. No one liked to be discussed about behind their backs.

Things got quiet. Holly went back to work. And Gail got another care of word diarrhea.

"We do, you know Holly." Holly looked up to find Gail carefully watching her. "We do work."

Holly stared up at the ceiling with a pained look on her face.

"Gail, I'm seeing someone."

"Then stop." Gail begged. "Stop seeing them. Look at me. See me."

Holly's glance fell on Gail. But it was not one of optimism.

"I do see you. You are not ready Gail."

"Come on Holly. Let me just--"

"No. You are not ready."

Holly returned to her work. Gail swallowed hard holding back the tears. 

"I'm starting to hate this room. Everything is dead here."

"Gail... "

She did not wait to hear Holly's next statement. When her back stern as stone, Gail walked out.


	4. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gail gets an intervention from her brother

Gail watched as another virtual body fell in front of her, but the carnage on the television screen did little to help her mood. Still it did not hurt, Gail thought as she took out another one of her opponents. She heard a swear word go out over her headphone set and quietly chuckled. Whoever she killed did not sound old enough to even know the meaning of the word he had spewed. He probably should not be playing such a violent video game anyway. When you think about it, Gail thought to herself, she saved him by killing him. Even on her day off, Gail Peck was saving lives.

Gail leaned back against the couch and grabbed another cheese puff from the bag at her side. She washed it down with the tequila still in its bottle. Dov had been hiding the bottle in his room under the bed, the jerk. Wait until he found what she left on his bed.

Gail had taken the day off from work. Actually, it was more accurate to say she had been given the day off after complaints about her attitude reached Oliver. She was a little crabby. So what? It was Oliver’s fault. Her last assignment has been with Chloe, who had spent the entire time trying to commiserate with her over their screwed up love lives. Like Gail would ever want to hear about Chloe, Dov and her ex-husband drama. Before the Chloe-filled calamitous day, Gail had been told to ride along with Andy who was blissfully unaware of anyone except her and Sam. After putting up with those two, anyone who expected a cheerful Gail should get a boot in their ass.

Gail groaned. There were worse things in life than a day off. Usually Gail considered a day spent eating junk food, getting wasted and killing terrible online gamers as a perfect day. Recently though these kinds of days gave her too much time to think. And much like Gail herself, her thoughts could not seem to stay away from Holly.

No, she shook her head viciously. She would not think about the forensic pathologist who had taken to haunting her since their breakup. Gail had come as close as she could to begging for Holly to change her mind. What was there left.

She really should just give her mind a rest. Thinking about reaching Holly only left fail feeling empty. It was a pipe dream. Plus, she hated the thought of another crying fit. The guys were not home yet but she did not want to be caught again with red eyes. She really hated the way they looked at her when they knew she was crying. That look on top of the look they already gave her simply made her want to do violent things. There were actual moments where it looked like they were going to hug her and Gail could not handle that. She would not be pitied. She felt like her emotions were already on edge. It was as miserable as being in a constant state of PMS. One hug or sincere word and Gail was pretty sure she would break apart. And for whoever made that happened, there would be true hell to pay.

As her body count grew on the game, Gail’s mind switched to autopilot. She worked best when she was not thinking. She let the angry noise of pseudo-gunfire and screams block out her inner monologue. For nearly one hour, it worked. Then her idiot of a brother walked into the apartment.

Gail said nothing when she saw Steve enter without even a knock. The look on his face said it all. Her friends had sent him to deal with her. Pity, she thought. They should know by now Steve was not any better at handling her than they were.

“Looks like you’ve been keeping busy.” Steve said as he took a seat beside her. Just like Steve to not even say hello, like he belonged there. He stretched out on the other end of the couch, finding his comfy spot before sinking in with a smile. He then looked at Gail, eyebrows raised, waiting for her comment.

“Hello, brother.” Gail muttered as she took out another bad guy onscreen.

“Did the troops call you in? Are you their captain?” Gail shot down another opponent with a shot in the face, a move she found particularly pleasurable. Steve grimaced as he saw the virtual blood splatter.

“Not if that is what you are planning to do with the captain.”

Gail smiled. It was strained but it existed for a moment. Then feeling out of place, the smile disappeared and Gail’s blank stare returned.

“They are thinking of kicking you out.” Steve said matter-of-factly. Gail sat up, instantly worried.

“Out of 15?” she asked, shocked at the news.

“No,” Steve chuckled. “Out of the apartment.”

Gail sat back, her back hitting the couch with a loud whoosh.

“Bullshit.” She rolled her eyes at the absurdity of the notion. “I’m the best roommate here.”

“You threatened to murder Chloe in her sleep.”

“She was giggling while I was watching tv. Dov understood.” Gail answered back in a still tone, as rational as an insane man’s ramblings. Steve sighed.

“Chloe refuses to return here until you change.”

Gail looked at Steve with antipathetic eyes.

“I’m not hearing any negatives there.”

Steve sat up and grabbed up the remote control from where it sat off of the floor beside Gail's feet.

“I guess we are doing this the hard way.” He said and turned off the television. Gail yelled his name in surprise. She jumped at him, trying to grab the remote from his grasp. But Steve was quicker. The two wrestled around, but he held on tightly to the device. Gail finally sat back with a huff but not before shooting him a murderous look.

“Are you ready to talk now?” Steve asked calmly.

“I bet Leo secretly hates you.” Gail whispered harshly. “That snide look you get on your face when you think you’ve beaten someone is so much like dad. I bet you’ve given it to him before. And I bet he hates you for it.”

Steve inhaled sharply as her words hit him, the force of them pushing him off of the couch.

“Damn, Gail.” He uttered painfully, standing over her astonished by the levels she went to avoid their conversation.

Gail quickly regretted her words, but she refused to show it to Steve. Sitting up, she crossed her arms against her chest and held her head high.

“What do you want, Steve?”

Steve paced the room for a moment. Gail had seen the look on his face before. He was questioning where he wanted to take the conversation. She hoped he realized it was a waste of his time. Her hope disappeared, as she sighed, leaned against the wall and frowned at her.

“You have to snap out of this.”

Gail huffed. “I’m not in anything to snap out of.”

Steve rolled his eyes.

“I get it. You and Holly—“

“This has nothing to do with Holly, Steve.” Gail interrupted. Steve shook his head in disbelief.

“This has everything to do with Holly, Gail.”

Gail looked quickly away from Steve. She was tired and the constant blinking was causing her eyes to water. It was all Steve’s fault.

“I don’t want to talk.” Gail murmured. She looked wide-eyed at the television, imploring Steve. “I just want to murder things.”

Steve approached his sister, his eyes never leaving her face. Gail couldn’t meet his glare. She was having trouble keeping the wet in her eyes from overflowing. She was just too tired and did not need her big brother to break her. Gail was surprised when she felt the remote control land into her lap. She looked down to see if it was really the device then looked up at Steve in confusion.

“Jerry died.” Steve said quietly.

“Why do you have to bring that up?!” Gail screamed incredulously, falling back on the couch.

“Because that’s where it ends, Gail. That is when there are no more last moments left to waste. There is nothing left.” Steve exhaled harshly. “That's when you get to be this way. You and Holly are at not the end. So I suggest you get your act together. You either want to be with her or you don’t.”

“I do!” Gail said defiantly. "She doesn't want me."

"Gail," Steve said her name as if he was talking to a ten-year-old. "You are a police officer. Look at this as a case. If you were interrogating someone who was head over heels in love with someone else less than a month ago would you really buy that they didn't care now?"

"I don't know." Gail threw her hands in the air. "I've said everything I could say to her. What's left to do?"

“It's your case. Figure it out. Then be with her. Or don’t. Just get over yourselves.”

Steve stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. Gail frowned as she looked down at the remote control. After a few minutes of indecisiveness, she tossed it to the side. She no longer wanted to finish her game. Damn Steve.

Hitting the lights she decided a nap was in order. As she walked into her room she saw her phone on dresser. Grabbing it, she tossed herself onto the bed. Gail paused, trying to talk herself out of what she was about to do. Only despite her own concerns Steve's voice still rang in her head. Get over yourselves. She let her fingers type her thoughts and hit send before she could rethink her actions. She waited until the text had gone through before she read it.

**_Me: I hate your face._ **

She inhaled slowly and shook her head. Still she waited. She was never more relieved when she heard her phone beep. Looking down she read the new message.

**_Lunchbox: Do you now?_ **

Gail sighed at the sarcasm she read in that statement, eased into the bed and replied.

**_Me: I hate your new glasses. I liked your old glasses. Your old glasses are so much cooler._ **

The reply came quickly this time.

**_Lunchbox: I’ll take that into consideration._ **

Gail smiled and shook her head. It felt like old times. Her smile died as she realized it wasn't. Times had change. She wondered if while she was not looking if Holly had changed as well. Before she could rethink her thoughts, she typed up her reply and sent it out.

**_Me: Do you miss your old glasses?_ **

Another quick reply came.

**_Lunchbox: You are certainly hung up on my eyewear. Who knew?_ **

Gail groaned in frustration.

**_Me: Holly, do you miss your old glasses? At all?_ **

Looking at the lighted phone screen Gail held her breath and waited. The next reply came a minute later.

**_Lunchbox: Yes, I do._ **

**_Lunchbox: Maybe its_ **

Gail watched, waiting for Holly to finish her thought. Another text balloon popped up within seconds.

**_Lunchbox: My old glasses may not fit me._ **

Gail frowned and quickly typed her reply.

**_Me: They fit you beautifully. Don’t give up on them. They were made for you._ **

She waited. After several minutes, Gail gave up on a new reply, setting her phone down. She laid against the pillow closing her eyes against the rest of the world. As she drifted off, she was awaken by her phone beep. Gail quickly grabbed the phone. Her heart lifted as she read.

**_Lunchbox: I don’t know. But nothing compares. No matter how many new ones I try. Nothing compares._ **

Gail rested her head back on her pillow and for the first time in a while, her smile did not disappear. It lasted even she slept.


	5. Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gail bites the proverbial bullet and visits Holly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally did not expect for this to be more than five chapters but I needed to set up the final chapter. So Five Steps will apparently take six.

The voices sounded like whispers as she stood at the front door of the home. Still, Gail could tell there was several people inside even though she could not identify them. Gail unconsciously took a step back. She hated social interaction. She was never good at them unless there was booze handy. But tonight she would not be partaking of any alcoholic beverages no matter how tasty. She needed a clear head for what she was about to do. Steeling her will, she took a step forward and knocked on the door.

She heard the footsteps on the other side and took a deep breath. She silently begged her hands to stop shaking, rubbing them together as if it was the wind causing them to move uncontrollably. She heard the lock hitch and adjusted her stance. She should look relaxed at least. She thought she had pulled it off by the time the door opened.

"Hey Holly," Gail said in a pseudo casual tone. Just breathe she reminded herself.

"Hey!" Holly answered in surprise. Gail drunk in the sight of the brunette. It felt like she had not seen Holly in years. Her appearance now sent a rush of good memories to Gail's mind. Before she could cherish them and smile though, their last encounter entered her thoughts. The cold finality of Holly's insistence that she was not ready to be in a relationship and the realization that there was no going back for them stilled the smile on Gail's face. Gail was fighting an uphill battle. While she hated taking anyone's advice, Steve's words from last night's confrontation sat in her mind. 

'Be with her. Or don't. Just get over yourselves.' Her older brother had a way with words. While they were not poignant, they were clear and direct, the two attributes Gail responded to the most.

Gail watched as Holly's surprise expression turned to one of apprehension. She realized she had been staring at her at the doorway for several moments. See, it's not that hard to make things awkward, Peck, she mocked herself in her thoughts. You seem to always find a way. Gail shook off her thoughts and tried again. 

"Hey Holly." Holly shared a ghost of a smile. 

"You already said that." Gail knew that they were both remembering the same moment in their history by the way Holly's eyes soften. Gail smiled.

"It sounded familiar."

Holly shook her head and leaned it gently against the door. Gail wished she knew what Holly was thinking at the moment. If she held that memory or any memory of them as a good one in her mind. Gail snapped back into reality as she listened to Holly sigh.

"Gail, what are you doing here?" Gail prepared to speak but hushed voices interrupted her.

"She said its Gail." The first voice whispered loudly.

"Gail?" A second more slurred voice asked. "Quick! Hide the booze!"

"Booze is legal, Lisa." That factual information came with a frustrated groan.

At the sound of that name, Gail froze. Holly was apparently hanging out with her friends. She should probably leave. But Holly had obviously heard the mini conversation as well and was already opening the door wider.

"There is no need to stand outside. Come in, Gail." Holly stepped back to allow Gail in. Gail exhaled harshly and followed her inside.

Holly's place had not changed much since the last time she had seen it. Only the last time Gail had visited she did not have two inebriated women sitting on the floor of the living room and several bottles of wine on the kitchen counter and coffee table. More accurately, Holly's friend Rachel was stretched out with her back leaning against the foot of the couch. Lisa was flat out lying on the floor next to her.

"We are having a wine tasting." Holly explained.

"Oh," Gail said as she walked further into the room. Gail turned to Holly with a twinkle in her eye. "Cause it looked like to me you were just getting wasted."

"I thought you said she wasn't a detective." Lisa looked up at Holly. Holly just shook her head at her friend's slurred question and closed the door. Gail looked around, wondering if there were any other surprises she was not aware of.

"Would you like a glass, Gail?" Rachel asked taking in the cop's nervous stance.

"No thanks," Gail said quickly before she changed her mind.

"Gail Peck!" Holly uttered shocked as she approached the group. "I have never heard you turn down alcohol." Holly looked her over, taking in her uniform. "Are you still on the clock? Are you here about a case?"

"Uh... Well..." Gail stuttered as all sets of eyes fell on her. "Kind of." Steve considered it a case. So did she.

"Oh!" Holly ran her fingers through her hair. " I just had two glasses of wine."

"Two?" Lisa huffed incredulously. Even Rachel looked at Holly with eyebrows raised. Holly rolled her eyes at her friends and focused on Gail.

"I'm really not in the right state to go to the station tonight." Holly's eyes silently pleaded for understanding. Gail immediately felt bad as she looked into their depths. She did not want to make Holly feel inadequate in any way.

"No, you're fine." Gail reassured her. "I just had a couple of questions. We can actually do them here if you don't--"

"Gail, why is there blood on your jacket?" Holly interrupted, examining Gail's presence clearly for the first time, her eyes sharply aware. Gail looked down at her jacket in confusion.

"What are you talking about?"

"Gail, I spend all day looking at bones for the slightest unexpected bumps, splintering or fractures. Do you think I wouldn't notice blood?" Holly asked with a rush. Gail looked her with wide eyes as Holly exhaled slowly. 

"Gail," she asked more calmly. "Why is there blood on the arm of your jacket?"

Gail looked at the arm of her jacket closely. She finally saw the darkened spot and smiled in comprehension. 

"Oh. That's nothing, Holly. It was Dov's stupid idea to corner a suspect. He got me stabbed. The idiot." Gail chuckled as she remembered the look on Dov's face when it happened. She had overplayed her injury to guilt Dov the best she could. Holly inhaled sharply, and Gail immediately stop chuckling. She took in Holly's scared expression and realized she would have to do the exact opposite with Holly.

"It's really nothing."

"Take off your jacket, Gail."

"They didn't even give me any of the good pain pills, the cheapskates," Gail forced a smile.

"Take. Off. Your jacket." Holly ordered more forcibly. Gail looked to Holly's friends for assistance. The two women had changed positions. Both were now sitting on the floor and were taking in their discussion as if it was a scene from a movie. They were interested in watching but Gail could tell they were not stepping in.

Gail, resigned, unbuttoned and unzipped her jacket. As she pulled it off her injured wrist came to view. With a hushed 'oh honey', Holly immediately rushed to her side.

"Let me see." Holly said, taking her injured wrist carefully in her hand. Holly held out her own hand towards her friends. Lisa immediately grabbed her glasses from the coffee table. She handed them to Rachel who handed them to Holly. The room was silent with concern. And Gail had never been more uncomfortable in Holly's home.

"I wasn't stabbed, Holly. It wasn't more than a scratch." Gail whispered to the concerned doctor. "It wasn't even totally Dov's fault. Not totally."

Her eyes never left Gail's wrist. She gingerly took off the wrapped bandage taking great care not to shake Gail's arm. As the minor wound revealed itself, Holly softly stroked the angry red area. Gail felt her touch to her bones, causing comfort not just to the injured area but to Gail's entirety. Against her control, she rested her head against Holly's. 

"You have stitches." Holly whispered upset.

"Only a couple." Gail softly assured her. 

Holly leaned down and pressed her lips to the wound as if her soft lips could heal it. It did not, but her kiss did sooth some of the pain Gail had been unable to get rid of since their break up. Gail's breathing wavered a bit. Holly looked up and into Gail's icy blue eyes, only they were as warm as the ocean. Gail felt the warmness engulf her as she connected with Holly. Gail took in everything, the complete feeling, the rushing emotions, the calmness coming with the storm. She wondered just how Holly was able to do it. Caressing her cheek Gail smiled.

"You've got your old glasses on." Holly returned her smile.

"Someone seems to have ruined any joy I could have had in my new pair." Gail's smile grew. It lasted until a harsh reminder came that they were not alone in the room.

"Oh God. Not the glasses again!" The slurred whisperer was back.

"Lisa..." Rachel tried to reprimand quietly.

"It's just that we talked for an hour about those damn glasses." Lisa muttered.

Holly stepped back from Gail, her demeanor changing as if she was stepping back into reality. Gail could not help it. Her icy glare fell on Lisa. Their last encounter may have ended peacefully but that was then. Now, if looks could kill, Lisa would be on Holly's lab table at this moment.

Holly laid a hand on Gail's arm drawing her attention back to her.

"You have already met slightly inebriated Lisa. May I introduced you to absolutely intoxicated Lisa?" Holly joked. Gail rolled her eyes and smiled. She could tell Holly was trying her best to clear the tension in the air. It was not working of course, but that would not stop Holly from trying. The doctor in question cleared her throat as she walked to the other end of the kitchen, putting more distance between them.

"You can follow me upstairs and I'll re-bandage your wrist. Then we can talk about your case." Holly trashed the bandage and turned to her friends.

"We will be right back." Her friends nodded encouragingly. Holly looked to Gail with a shrug. 

"Shall we?"

Holly turned, heading for the stairs. Gail watched her walk for a moment, trying to regain the will that drove her to drive there in the first place. 

"Just like a case," she reminded herself. With a quick nod at Holly's friends, Gail headed upstairs.


	6. Acceptance Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gail heeds Steve's advice about Holly.

Gail took the steps leading the second floor of Holly’s place slowly, going through in her mind the points she wanted to get across tonight. She was left with a lot of time to think since their breakup. She had, of course, spent most of it drinking and moping. But a fair amount had also been spent on analyzing the events that led to her being alone. Gail was not the biggest believer in self-analysis, but even she would admit it was sometimes needed.

Her hopes for tonight were high. She finally understood the problem she faced was not one that could not be fixed with a simple request for forgiveness. She was already pretty sure Holly had forgiven her for walking out, maybe even for her callous words. There was more to it, and she had to find out what.

Gail took a deep breath as she stepped into the upstairs bathroom. To her surprise, it was empty. The items Holly would need to clean and rewrap her wrist were usually kept in a bathroom. Gail doubted Holly had meant her office. There was only one other option. She looked down the hall and saw the door to Holly’s bedroom was open and the light was on.

Gail walked to the end of the hallway and stuck her head inside the bedroom’s entrance. She did not see Holly, but she could hear the doctor mumbling from inside of her closet. She scanned the room, taking in the personal pictures and the art placed strategically on the light tan walls. There were also books strewn about where there would otherwise be empty space. No paperbacks Gail noted, not for the first time.

Against the main wall, a California king size bed sat covered in a cream-colored duvet, drowning in pillows. The enormous bed looked formidable, as if a person could lie down and disappear into it.

“Oh!” Holly exclaimed as she walked out of her closet and noticed Gail. She clutched a first aid kit close to her. “You surprised me.”

“You said to follow you.” Gail replied, entering the room.

“Yeah… I needed to get supplies.” Holly’s words drifted off as Gail made herself comfortable on her large bed. 

“You keep your first aid kit in your closet?” 

“Is that strange?” Holly leaned over the bed and laid out the items from the first aid kit next to Gail.

“If you have to ask Holly, the answer is usually a yes.” Holly stared at Gail for a moment, confusion playing across her face.

“Are we answering the kit question or the strange one?”

“What?” The odd question threw Gail. She leaned in and intensely eyed Holly.

“Holly," Gail asked slowly, "are you drunk?”

“No,” Holly quickly responded, then sighed. “I don’t know. I’m probably on the edge. It’s been that kind of night. I need coffee.” 

She walked briskly to the door. “I’m getting coffee. Would you like some?”

“I’m good.” Gail frowned. Holly looked at Gail longingly, before shaking herself out of her thoughts. With a nod, she walked out.

“This is going great,” Gail muttered as she found herself alone in Holly’s room. She wondered what had caused Holly's need to lose herself in alcohol tonight. She remembered when she was in this bedroom the last time, she had been not only completely drunk, but also drenched and leaning on Holly for support. While it sounded like the end of a wild night, or the beginning of one depending on your mindset, it had been completely innocent. Holly had led Gail to her room so she could sleep off the madness of the day. Or so Holly had said. Then their make out session had resumed.

Gail wanted to go further with the kisses that started in the bathroom, but her strict little girlfriend had taken a step back. She calmly shared how she was unsure of Gail’s mental state because of the shooting and the impromptu haircut. The vodka did not help matters. She did not want Gail to regret the night any more than she already did. When Gail had later awoken, Holly had already left for work. That was then.

Should Gail now be that person with restraint for Holly tonight? The thought brought a deep frown to her face. Gail was not good at restraint. That was why she had the eating habits of a six year old and always said what was at the top of her mind. She did not want to learn restraint tonight.

Gail's attention turned to the door. She had been left alone with her thoughts for too long. Holly’s room did not have a clock, another strange factoid that Gail stored away. She was not sure how long she had been waiting for Holly but it felt like much longer than a cup of coffee required. Maybe she needed some help? She stood as Holly walked through the room.

“I’m sorry,” Holly quickly apologized as she stopped sharply at the door, holding a steaming cup of coffee. “I'm feeling much better now.” 

Gail nodded and sat back down. Holly put the hot cup on the dresser and went back to laying out the first aid items on top of the bed. The air around them filled with awkward silence. Finally she looked up and shared a ghost of a smile with Gail.

“Let’s take a look at your wrist.” 

Holly grabbed an iron trash can from the side of the room and flipped it over, emptying its content. She sat it upside down in front of Gail and sat on it. She reached for Gail’s injured wrist.

“Does it hurt?”

Holly lifted Gail’s injured wrist and held it closely to her, examining the cut that was about the length of a finger. Her right knee brushed Gail’s left knee as she moved. It was a small movement, but it caused a tingle throughout Gail’s body. She did her best to ignore it. 

She could have easily ended the contact by sliding to the right just an inch, but Gail did not want to end the contact. She did not want to end the sensation of being touched by Holly, even if it was as small as their knees brushing. It had been too long since she was privy to Holly's touches. She did not want to walk away from it now.

"Gail?" Holly asked firmly. Gail's eyes lifted, giving Holly her attention.

“What?”

“Does it hurt?”

“No. Well, yes." Gail said quietly. She then let out a long, saddened sigh. "But I’ve had worse. I’ve had worse hurts.” 

Holly paused, not knowing what to make of that answer. Gail's glance met Holly's and she immediately knew what the cop meant by worse hurts. Having not one helpful reply, she turned back to examining the cut.

Gail angled her body to make it easier for Holly to access it. The tingle in her body grew as Holly continued to stroke the injury. As Holly leaned in closer to it, her soft exhale joined her stroke. For Gail, it was like an extra caress. The closeness was beginning to get to her. It was becoming too much for her to ignore. Gail needed a distraction. She did not expect her lips to start moving or the words that came out of them.

“Our break up has been very enlightening.” Gail blurted. Holly lifted her eyes from her examination of the injured wrist, her eyebrows raised.

"Enlightening? That's one way to put it." Holly shrugged and put Gail’s wrist on her knee. She took out antiseptic wipe and began to tend to it. Gail felt the sting of the cool wipe.

Gail groaned silently. This was not how she had wanted to begin their conversation. But at least it was a beginning. She decided to quit stalling and go full speed ahead.

“I’ve learned some things since it happened. About myself. About you."

Holly smiled inwardly as Gail paused, trying to get her thought together.

"Go on. I am intrigued and wish to be enlightened."

"Holly, you don't have to sound like a Jane Austen novel." Gail said grumpily.

"You've read Jane Austen?" Holly smiled, her interest peaked.

"I'm sure it was for a class or something at the university," Gail hastily recovered. She cleared her throat. "Anyway., I have had time to learn plenty of things."

"For instance," she continued, keeping her eyes intentionally on Holly. "I don’t like seeing you with someone else. And I don’t like you liking me with someone else.”

She heard Gail slow "hmm" as she grabbed a bandage from the bed. 

“Believe me, Gail. I don’t like it.”

“You play it off well.” 

Holly's ghost of a smile was back though her eyes stayed on the injury. 

“I've had my fair share of having to play it off in my life. I guess I've gotten good at it.”

“You’re not at all perfect.” Gail once again blurted, then groaned. Holly's hand stilled at the statement, then went back to wrapping Gail's wrist. Gail immediately continued.

"I mean you are not good with relationships." Gail stopped again. She figured this conversation would be hard but not this hard. Gail exhaled and tried again.

"I mean I know that you jump into them. You like to think its serious but you know they are not. You seem to not like the serious.” Holly sat back as Gail rambled, an incredulous look on her face.

“And who shared that information with you?

“It does not matter." Gail said, shaking her head. "I’m just going over the facts of the case.”

“I’m the case!” Holly exclaimed. Gail shook her head and stood, reprimanding herself for handling this wrong. She really was a good cop. She was good. This awkward conversation must be because of Holly. Gail looked at Holly and desperately tried again.

"Steve thinks we need to get over ourselves." Shit! Gail started pacing the room. The bandage tape on her arm swung as she moved around.

"He was talking to me. But I think he was talking to you too."

Holly frowned, confused with the change in subjects.

“And why does Steve think I’m under myself?” Gail made a face before turning swiftly to Holly.

“Because this breakup is stupid."

"Don't mince your words, Gail." Holly looked away, swallowing hard.

"Holly, what happened wasn't worth more than a night’s fight. Maybe chocolate and flowers in the morning?”

“Chocolates and flowers from you or me?” 

“I’m an equal opportunity kind of girl." Gail chuckled. "We both can do it.” 

Holly leaned against the bed. It was a better position to see Gail. Gail took another deep breath. She looked down at Holly sincerely, sadness darkening her eyes. 

“The thing is I walked away. I let it drag out. And then I let you walk away. And really, it’s all so stupid." Gail ran her fingers shakily through her hair. She had not want to reveal so much much. But at that moment seeing the questions on Holly's face changed her mind.

"When I heard what you were saying that night—"

“No," Holly interrupted. "When you overheard what Lisa was saying—“

“Yeah, whatever."

"It's a big difference, Gail."

"Whatever. Holly, let me get this out." Gail pleaded. Holly nodded, her entire focus on Gail. Gail exhaled and tried again.

"Well, it brought back bad feelings. You know... Past feelings." She looked to Holly for help. The doctor immediately understood.

“Insecurities.” Holly explained in one word. Gail sighed in relief.

“Yeah. I know Nick and Chris… even Steve sometimes... they think I’m some robot. But I’m not. Just because its not easy for me to put my heart out there, it does not mean I don’t have one.”

“You have amazingly big heart.” Holly immediately reassured.

“Then why didn’t you tell her that? Or describe me better than fun?”

Holly looked away, as if she was searching for an answer. Slowly she stood and wrapped her arms around herself. 

“You are not the only one with insecurities, Gail. You are not the only one dealing with others’ preconceived notions." She exhaled softly. "I don’t like confrontations. Its one of the reasons why we don’t argue.”

“Really? I figured it was because I usually just gave in.” Gail ruefully admitted. Holly smiled.

“That helps. But not everyone gives into me.”

“They should try it. It comes with some really great benefits.” Holly chuckled. She approached Gail, grabbing her her wrist and securing the tape on it. After she was finish, she did not let go her hand.

“I wanted so badly for the night to be great." Holly whispered. It seemed the statement was more for herself than Gail. "For them to see how great you are. See the you I feel so deeply for.”

Gail lifted Holly's chin with her finger, bringing Holly's glance up to meet her own.

“But I walked away.” Holly's lips did a slight, painful upturn.

“But you walked away.”

“And I hurt you.” Her small smile disappeared.

“Yes, you did.” 

Gail looked at her ex-girlfriend, really looked. She watch the changing emotions on her face and came to a slow realization.

“You think we’ve made some kind of precedent. You think it’s always going to go back to that, to me walking away and hurting you.”

Holly stepped back, breaking connection with Gail. 

"I think you’re not ready. It's been a lot on you really. It's like turning an epic before the first chapter is even finished."

"Really, Holly?" Gail scoffed. Holly chuckled, then frowned. 

"Maybe I’m the one not ready.” She looked at Gail, searching her gaze. Gail's eyebrows went up, startled with the unexpected confession. She replayed their break up and the following moments. She was struck with an epiphany.

“Holly, are you punishing me for falling in love with me?” 

Holly looked at Gail, shocked to her very being. She did not look as if she even knew how to respond. 

Luckily for her, she did not have to. Because at that moment, Holly and Gail heard the very loud and very slurred scream of Holly's name from Lisa, who was downstairs. Gail thought to ignore it, but when the second call went out Holly took measures into her own hand. With a frustrated sigh, she headed out the door. Gail quickly followed.

"Rachel, I thought I asked you to make sure Lisa drinks coffee," Holly yelled as she came down the steps. "Lisa, what do you--"

Gail heard Holly freeze before she saw the reason why. Standing at the front doorway was Lisa and Rachel. They were holding the door open for a tall, lean brunette with shoulder-length hair and bangs. It was Holly's current someone else. Gail rolled her eyes cursing the heavens and Rebecca from the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you yell at me, let me tell you the second part is already finished and will be posted tonight. I just want your thoughts at how you think their conversation is going. Too much?
> 
> This chapter is extremely long which is why it's broken up into two pieces.


	7. Final Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gail and Holly wade through the final stage together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy the final chapter of this story. Thank you.

Gail stood on the fourth step and did not move. It was a good position to be in. From there she stood above everyone and could see the reactions going on around her. She could not see Holly's face since she stood at the bottom of the stairs. Lisa though looked amused. Rachel looked uncomfortable. And Rebecca's eyes, Gail noticed for the first time, was curiously on her.

"Well, this is uncomfortable." Lisa muttered loudly. All eyes turned on her. Gail was pretty sure everyone was wearing the same expression, one that screamed not now Lisa.

Holly approached the door and Rebecca. Her two friends moved to give her room.

"Becks, what are you doing here?" 

Gail mouthed Becks mockingly and heard Lisa snicker. She turned to look at the drunk female and the two shared a smile.

"I can't find a file." The intruding woman said as she made her way into the home, looking as uncomfortable as it felt to have her there.

"With all that happened last night, I may have just left it."

Holly nodded and went into the kitchen, not before sparing Gail a look of discomfort herself.

Rebecca's eyes stayed on Gail, sizing her up. Gail did not mind. She was doing the same. And what she decided was she was not impressed. The woman was taller than the other three women combined. Gail smiled to herself. Okay, she may be exaggerating her height some. Still, though the woman may have had legs like a model she also looked super boring.

"I'm sorry for interrupting your night." The boring woman said to Holly.

"It's no problem." Holly replied nicely.

"Yeah," Lisa said with a shrug. "It wasn't like Holly has been with us anyway. She's been upstairs with Gail the entire night."

"Lisa!" Rachel inhaled sharply. 

"What?" Lisa asked harshly. "It's not like I said they were having sex. We would have heard that! Well, we never heard you two." Lisa paused, eyeing Rebecca and Holly. She held her chin as she thought it out. "But Gail's intense. We would hear them."

"You bet you would." Gail agreed, smirking at Holly. Now that she could see Holly, she could see she was trying to hold back a smile and not look Gail's way. Lisa was not holding back at all. Rachel just shook her head furiously. Gail smirked. Lisa was not bad when Gail was not the focus of her negative tongue. Holly just turned away from the group and walked into the kitchen. 

"I'm assuming the file was in a folder?" She yelled back.

"Yeah," Rebecca responded. "A blue one."

Rebecca eyes' went back up to Gail. Gail could tell she wanted to say something but she was holding back. Holly searched the kitchen, quickly finding the file, in a cabinet of all places. She rushed the file into Rebecca's hands.

"Here it is," Holly said sounding relieved.

"Thank you." Rebecca tuck the file under her arm and gave everyone one more look. She ended her gaze on Holly.

"I guess I'll see you around?" Rebecca asked awkwardly. 

Gail stared at Holly, taken aback by Rebecca's question. She could tell Holly felt her gaze but was continuing to refuse to look at her.

"Yeah.. Uhh... maybe."

"I doubt it, Rachel." Lisa probably was sure she was whispering only she was not. And she leaned into Rebecca's ear, not Rachel. Holly looked imploringly to Rachel who pulled Lisa to her side. Rebecca simply nodded and exited out the front door. 

Holly was still closing the door when Gail made her way back upstairs. She heard her tell her friends she would be right back, then called Gail's name. But she kept walking. Gail did not stop until she was back in Holly's bedroom, sitting comfortably on her bed. That's where Holly found her.

As the two came back together in the room no one said a word. Holly leaned against the doorway, her brow creased with concern. Gail leaned back on the bed. Finally Gail could not take the silence any longer.

"What was that?"

"That was awkward." Holly said with a drawn out sigh.

"It seems like the glasses aren't the only thing gone."

"Its like I said earlier. Someone seems to have ruined any joy I could have had in a new pair." Holly leaned her head against the door, looking pointedly at Gail. Gail shrugged.

"I hope you are not expecting an apology."

Holly shook her head. "No. I'm the one who's sorry." Holly threw her head back in resignation and went into her bedroom.

"Last night was the end of a relationship that should have never begin. You are not far off when you say I'm not good at this." She stood on her tiptoes for a moment, as if rocking herself for comfort." There are so many thing I wished I was brave enough to do. That's what I love about you."

Gail's mood perked at the l-word, though it was not said how she first expected to hear it.

"You didn't answer my question." Gail watched as Holly shifted in place. Holly licked her lips and looked away. She knew exactly which question Gail was talking about.

“That’s a really loaded question."

"The best ones usually are." Gail sat up on the bed and patiently waited. Holly turned her eyes to the ceiling then back to Gail. 

"First, I’m not punishing you. I would never punish you. I’m giving us the space we need."

“To do what?" Gail scoffed. "We’re not doing magic tricks here. Why do we need space?”

“Because things are happening too quickly.” Holly spit out the words, as if they caught her by surprise. Gail leaned in, like a cop on the scent of a new lead. 

“When you say things, why do I get the feeling you mean feelings?”

Holly sighed and looked around as if for answers. Her eyes ended their search back on Gail.

"I don't know how to answer that without..."

"Without revealing too much?" Gail finished when Holly lost her words. "It's share time, Holly."

Holly rolled her eyes at Gail. Gail moved over on the bed, making room for. She patted the newly open spot beside her. Holly shook her head but sat next to Gail.

"Okay. Here we go." She took a deep breath and turned to look directly at her.

"When we first met, I knew this was going to be something different. I'm not saying I knew this was going to be as different as it turned out to be, especially for you. But I knew it was different. You know? You told me you were a cat and I became your plus one. Then I kissed you and you kissed me. You lost it a little, cut off your hair, but you also let me in, in this wonderful sort of way. And everything felt so surprising but so incredibly right. Then came that night. And I wish I would have shut Lisa up. I wish I would have been better at this. Better for you. Because you make me so much more assured. But I'm not perfect. I have neuroses, even though that's probably not a good term. Since it's an actual mental illness and I don't believe that I'm actually mentally ill, even in a minor way. We could go by the connotative meaning--"

"Hold on." Gail interrupted, giving a Holly a chance to breathe. Gail grabbed Holly's hand, kissing it, then holding it against her chest. She waited for all of the anxious energy to leave Holly. She knew everything was back to normal when Holly gave a shy smile.

"I'm sorry."

"I was scared you were going to pass out in a minute." Gail chuckled. Holly looked at Gail with wide eyes pouring out adoration. Gail thought she could look into them for an eternity and never tire of that look.

"You have become such a big part of my life in such a short time."Holly uttered, as if she was scared to let the words out. "No matter how much I try to slow it down. And how do you deal with that? I guess you either rush in or you step away. Maybe I rushed in, and you stepped away. I should have expected it. You said you run--"

“You know when I said I’ve learned some thing during this time?" Gail, once again, interrupted Holly. But Holly did not seem to mind. She looked relieved. 

"For instance, I've learned Lisa is not that bad of a human being." Holly's smile relaxed some.

"Can I tell Lisa that?"

"Never." Both women laughed.

"Like when I said you are not perfect. Well, that kind of makes you disgustingly more perfect for me." 

"I guess that is a good lesson." Holly said sweetly. Gail nodded, then exhaled slowly. It was her turn to look directly into Holly's eyes. She wanted to make sure she had the brunette's complete attention.

"Holly, ultimately I learned that I don’t like my world without you in it. I don’t want my world without you in it." Gail blinked as the enormity of her feelings started to overwhelm her.

"My idiot brother…" Gail muttered with a chuckle and a tremor. "My oh so idiot brother. He said either I’m with you or I’m not. He’s right. I totally accept it."

Holly's forehead furrowed in confusion.

"I don’t understand. It's not a challenge." Gail smiled, taking Holly's cheeks into her hands.

"Remember. I’m the cat who climbs into trees, then creates emergencies to get out of them." Gail tenderly stroked Holly's cheeks with her thumbs.

"I run. I get scared, and I run." She looked at Holly with eyes that sparkle like a lake under the shine of the sun.

"I’m the cat. But you are not a tree. You are a home. You are more than a place to run to. You are a place to stay. So I’m staying."

Tears filled Holly's eyes as she took in Gail's words.

"Don't make that promise, Gail." she whispered softly. Gail touched Holly's lips with her thumbs.

"Be with you or don’t." She rested her forehead on Holly's and looked as deeply as she could at her. "I’m with you."

Holly closed her eyes, letting a tear fall. "I can’t … it takes… I can’t..." Gail brushed her lips against Holly's, cherishing the taste. 

"I’m with you."

"Gail, if you run again I swear—" Gail cut off the rest of Holly's words with a deep kiss. Her hand moved to the back of Holly's neck, pulling her in. Holly moaned as her hand drifted to Gail's back. She drank in Holly's moans, and like any great intoxicant, it went straight to her head. The two finally separated to catch their breath.

Gail grinned as big as her face could allow.

"Holly," she waited until she once again had her full attention. When she did, Gail reinforced sincerely, "I’m with you.

For the first time that evening, Holly relaxed. She looked at Gail, her every emotion shining through her eyes and smiled back.

"Yes, you are." her look of adoration returned. "And I'm with you.

"So does this mean we're good?" Gail asked although she already knew they answer.

"Oh we're better than good." Holly said with a seductive grin. She leaned into Gail while simultaneously pushing her back onto the bed.

"And you are about to find out how much better." Gail looked at the open door then back at Holly.

"Don't you have friends down there?" Holly immediately sat up.

"I'll be back." She rushed out the door. Gail had not even sat up good before Holly returned with a huge smile on her face.

"They're gone."

"That quickly?"

"They left earlier. Called a taxi and left me a note." Holly laughed, confusing Gail.

"I don't get the joke." Holly held out the piece of paper in her hand. Gail laughed as she read.

Hols,

We saw the look in Gail's eyes when she went back up. We are pretty sure you are not coming back down. Don't worry about us. Enjoy yourself. First time sex ramped up with make up sex. Lucky girl. We are leaving now because I really don't want to test out Lisa's theory.

Love you and call me when you get the chance.  
Rachel

Gail handed the paper back to Holly. "So how lucky are we?"

Holly tossed the paper and climbed onto Gail, straddling her lap. Her hands wrapped around the back of Gail's head, her fingers working their way through her hair. She smiled the brightest smile of the night.

"I think I'm extremely lucky." Holly said and leaned down to capture Gail's lips. She let out a yelp of surprise as Gail wrapped her arms around Holly's back and twisted her, changing their positions. Holly laughed as she laid with her back on the bed and Gail leaning over her. Gail caressed left side of her face, incredibly happy.

"You know what, Holly." Gail leaned in for a kiss. "So am I."

She captured Holly's lips once again. The time for words were over, and both of them gleefully accepted it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt ever at a same-sex relationship fanfic. But I simply adore the characters of Gail Peck and Holly Stewart.


End file.
